Is Brexit still getting you down?
Do you find yourself reminiscing about the good old days when idle chitchat with Marge from next door was full of exciting things like the weather, stamps and arthritis?
Do you fear the end is nigh and all we can do now is politely twiddle our thumbs and queue for the sweet, sweet release of death?
Here’s a list of great things you can do to distract yourself from the dismal picture that is the British political system right now and indulge in a little loving self-care:
• Go to Work
This way you can multi-task by avoiding all contact with the social world beyond office small talk and you can start putting pennies in the save box to go to that all-important future migration to anywhere else that isn’t the UK.*
• Listen to Brilliant Podcasts
An easy way to distract yourself from the upcoming apocalypse is to listen to podcasts that were recorded in the past and/or that have a slightly nihilistic yet hilarious view on life.
‘Dear Hank and John’ is my highest contender for this criteria, go and have a listen!
• Practise Your Survival Skills
You’ve seen the Walking Dead right? No?
What about 28 Days Later?
Have you even played the Sims?
Well now you have a somewhat solid excuse to binge-watch/play every survival-esque thing you can think of, no matter how tenuous the link. Use your time wisely to make sure you know what to do when the Brexiters come for you!**
• Try Not to Think About the Future
• Go for a Stroll
Little is more relaxing than a leisurely stroll across a racially segregated neighbourhood where everyone fears going out after sundown. Why not fit in some mood-boosting cardio by strapping a ‘refugees welcome’ sticker to your face? You’re sure to be chased to ‘back where you come from’ in no time by kindly youths, David Cameron’s ‘Hug a Hoodie’ campaign certainly did a lot to bridge the generational gap.
• Get in Touch With Old Friends
Especially if they’re European nationals who are currently stuck in a limbo of belonging and according to the media are being hounded by racists. Make sure you’re extra friendly to them so you can bag a sofa to sleep on when you inevitably try to escape an island of Tories.
• Take up a New Hobby
One I’d recommend is collecting St. George’s flags to display proudly around your house for all to see, that way it makes it much easier for people to figure out which windows to throw bricks through.
• Spend Time With a Pet
They say an old dog can’t learn new tricks but that doesn’t mean you should give up on teaching Fluffy how to hunt rabbits for you. It might just be a somewhat weird trick to show off at parties now but who knows, in six months, little Fluffy’s hunting gifts could be replacing ASDA supermarkets near you!
• Don’t Let the Existential Dread Set In
• Write a Diary
It’s probably going to be an incoherent scribble of self-pitying nonsense but look on the bright side, after the apocalypse, your diary could be a budding historian’s a key clue figuring out where humanity went wrong! And just in case we don’t quite get that far, it can always double up as toilet paper should you find yourself in a pinch.
• Have a Clear Out
With discontentment floating in the summer breeze, now is a great time to have yourself a clear out. Get rid of most of your possessions now to make migration less of a chore, future-you will thank you!
• Have a Screen-Free Day
Take some time to recharge your spiritual batteries by switching off all of your screens for a day. It’s a great way to avoid all of your social responsibilities while at the same time, preparing for the inevitable wipeout of 21st century communication devices. Plus, it gives the Illuminati and the US government something to do because you’re a teeny tiny bit harder to track – job satisfaction for everyone.
After all, there won’t be many opportunities to breathe in the sweet, polluted city air once you’re all hiding out in a nuclear bunker. Take Fluffy with you so you can both figuratively and literally learn how to kill two birds with one stone – happy hunting.
**Farage is watching.***
***He may have ‘resigned’ but rest assured, he’s still watching.